OK, don't get all excited. Bill isn't going to move to Florida -- at least not anytime soon. It's just that back in 2006 one of his co-workers on Capitol Hill had mentioned something called "The Villages," a humongous retirement community of about 75,000 a short distance north of Orlando where life is just about perfect, if by "perfect" you mean ready access to an unlimited supply of golf courses and Canasta tournaments. Bill thought it sounded fantastic, or, wait, maybe it sounded nightmarish? He wasn't sure. So as long as he was going to be in the neighborhood for an entire day after the Shuttle landing, he thought he ought to check it out.
Little boxes, on the hillside,
A very nice real estate agent named Jean took Bill on a tour of the properties. The first houses they looked at were crowded and chintzy, and totally unacceptable. Eventually they decided that an "Aspen" floor plan would be perfect for Bill. Well, that's what Jean thought. Bill wasn't so sure.
There were community swimming pools all over the place.
And just look at those fancy community centers! If you want to hang out with old people, this is the place.
Oh boy! Outdoor entertainment for old farts!
Indoor, too! All very Republican.
Elvis impersonators come to visit on a regular basis. So does Glenn Beck. George W. Bush, too! Republicans are lurking everywhere you look! Bill is having second thoughts.
Everybody gets around town in customized golf carts.
Town hall square dances!
Lotsa golf in The Villages. Lotsa golf. Lotsa. If you move here, you'd better want to play golf. Otherwise, they'll think there's something wrong with you.
And if you don't golf, well, there's always shuffleboard to keep you busy in your retirement.
And it's all so very ... ticky-tacky.
Look! Ticky-tacky Thai.
The parking lots are full of ticky-tacky golf carts.
Even the town movie theater is ticky-tacky.
And there's the ticky-tacky town square.
More golf carts. Shriek!
It's a manufactured community! Stepford! That's what it is! The town is full of robots! Yikes! Bill wants out of here. Don't worry, he won't be retiring to this "paradise."